Monday, April 30

zurik

there's always someone that know everything. not only all the stuff, but also better than anyone else in the room. in some way, even because of their definition it would be impossible, feels like there are some opinions better than others. and it feels like they always come from the same mouth. the same mouth from the same personality. and i don't know about you, but i am not very good at being sure about anything. i prefer the benefit of the doubt. doubt is my friend. doubt force me to listen. i always make the effort to think that everybody's more right than me, probably because i wasn't like that before. and sometimes nowadays i think so extremely the opposite way, that i prefer to have a conversation with myself in my head, we both saying how much we disagree on whatever the hell we're talking about. 
i used to be more conflictive. then life changed, the world changed, and i don't wanna be in that side anymore. i don't wanna blame on the "rest of the world" anymore. i don't like to put politic tags on what i think it's kind of human-being-behaveour. i don't like seeing everybody's acts, a lot of times only related to love, as a politic thing, because then we have nothing. it used to be beautiful to have a friend with completely different politic ideas from you, but right now feels like you are like him/here just because of not getting mad at his/her ideas. 
what i think it's that i'm not feeling strong enough for what i should for these times. i feel the world is very uncomfortable at the moment, and so i am. not even with closest friends.i would love to stand up and scream I DISAGREE!! have you listened to what you're saying???? but i really don't know why i can't. i don't like being on guard all the time. actually i hate it. it makes me hate. hate almost everything. and i'm a very love person i need to give it and share it and feel it and use it as my arm. i feel useless with hate, can't handle it, 0 good at being sarcastic, not my thing.
this is why a lot of times i feel lonely. i feel lonely and i don't feel free in what's supposed to be my friendly space. and tht's it.there's no conclusion. they're all drinking gin and i'm here typing cause i don't like drinking when i'm sad. not big deal tho. not big deal .